Bangsund Family Blog: What Happened?

WARNING: This blog post rambles like brambles, people. Watch out.

Long story short(ish): About four weeks ago I was diagnosed with depression. What does that even mean? Well folks, I've been struggling with the everyday life stuff for about four months now. I finally noticed in early March that I was pretending to be me when I was around others, but when I was alone I just sat on my couch and felt miserable for no perceivable reason. Odd, huh? And most telling for me was the fact that things that usually feed my soul (Bible Study, time with Erik, girl time, time alone) were completely uninteresting and even miserable making. Blah. Lots and lots of blah.

So after sharing the above with some important folks (my husband, my awesome Bible Study buddies), I went to the doctor. She walked me through a little questionnaire. Out of nine symptoms I had seven in spades. Guh. That's the sound I make when I feel like everything sucks and I wish this weren't my story. But it is.

My doctor rocks. She gave me some samples of a new anti-depressant with very few side effects. I started taking them. I still don't feel 100% like me, but we have seen some improvement. I've started laughing at Erik's jokes again and actually made a joke last night. But there are still massive struggles that just don't feel very Amy Bangsund-like. For instance, currently my first tendency is to avoid people, and at the same time when I'm alone I feel awful. Decision making is not my strong suit. In fact, don't ask me to make decisions right now. My brain doesn't want to do that. And so I dither. It would be funny except that it's my life.

The thing that has been the best in all of this has been homeschooling. Raise your hand if that shocks you. Yep. Me, too. My curriculum is that good. It's open and go. No decision making. No dithering. I love it. Every week day there is a window of time where I feel productive and effective because I can open a binder, find the day's readings and do them. Have I mentioned that I think Sonlight curriculum is a gift from Jesus Christ to our family? Cuz it is.

So we aren't behind in school. Miracle. And I crave time with my boys. Total miracle. And I am so grateful to God. I know He is with me. And simultaneously...

I'm in the middle of something that is so hard and lame. Just today, I'm headed to spend time with a friend this evening, but I had to spend ALL morning talking myself into going. She is a delightful, low-maintenance friend. I know that time with her will be good. But the process of getting in the car and going feels overwhelming. I actually credit my awesome counselor with giving me the tools necessary for survival right now. When I was struggling last year with anger, she encouraged me to visualize the boys being crazy and me handling it well. I did that. Now I don't have the anger thing, but I visualize myself grabbing my purse and keys, heading out the door, getting in the car, starting it up, and heading down the road. That wasn't so hard was it? Nope. Totally do-able.

So, that's the story. Or part of it. It doesn't really have an ending yet. I'm in process. Everyone is in process, but depression will show you how very much you are in process. Guh.

And now, because I know it will help my heart and perhaps yours as well, the pics.